These are my own, subjective views as a 32 year old man who has dated a fair number of women that I met online and offline. I am not an expert. These are merely my own subjective and flawed thoughts. If I am lucky 20% of this will be correct and 80% will be bullshit. However, I am a realist, so it is likely that less than 20% will be correct.
First and most important, men of Reddit, learn how to take rejection well. Taking rejection well means learn how to take rejection politely and graciously. It does not mean yelling or insulting the woman for saying she isn't interested in you, ghosting you, or if she stops talking. Relationships and conversations are a voluntary activity between 2 people. Either one has the right to end the conversation at any time for any reason whatsoever. The person you are speaking to doesn't owe you a reason why they won't talk to you, stopped talking to you, or are not longer interested.
People are complicated and have multiple concerns and anxieties on their minds other than your conversation. Men, in the same way that you may complain if your significant other is constantly calling or texting at work so that you cannot get your work done, guess what? It is 2020 women have jobs, rent, mortgages, kids, pets, family, and their own friends to worry about. That says nothing of the fact that there is a literal plague going on. We all have a million problems and responsibilities to care for. And when the shit hits the fan, people have to care for their priorities first before getting to you. When there are Zombies at the door, your priority isn't your Tinder profile, it is brace the door, board up the windows and get everyone to a safe position, not why hasn't that girl texted me back? Women are dealing with the same problems as you and likely others you don't know about. Therefore, many times when a woman stops talking to you, it has nothing to do with you personally, assume she is just overwhelmed with her version of Zombies at her door and give her a break. She already has enough to deal with besides your fragile ego.
Even if she sincerely isn't interested, be polite, shake hands, and move on. With the endless options on social media and dating apps, we all have plenty of people to talk to and date. Dating is a numbers game. There are roughly 3.5 billion women on the planet. Just because one particular girl doesn't find you attractive does not mean ALL WOMEN find you unattractive. You are wasting time yelling at or insulting a woman who isn't interested in you. She has a right not to like you. Move on and find someone who does. The ability to take rejection well says a lot about your character and will make you stand out.
Both women and men, coffee isn't a marriage proposal. Another piece of what will seem like obvious advice. There is no "the One." There is merely the "One" right now.
I have had 3 serious romantic relationships. One lasted 6 months, and 2 lasted 4 years each. With all three at one time I was convinced I would spend the rest of my life with them. It didn't work out. None of them were bad people. No one cheated. Our priorities changed. First one we broke up because she got a job after graduating college in another state and didn't want to do long distance. Second one, I got into graduate school in another state and tried to continue the relationship long distance. It died a slow death as our lives drifted apart. The third just ended. My most recent ex and I broke up because after getting paid minimum wage and taking shit for 5 years as a nurse's aid, taking the MCAT multiple times, volunteering for Americorps, and working for the Health Department, she finally got into medical school. My most recent ex girlfriend has wanted to be a doctor since she was 8 years old. I learned my lesson from graduate school. Relationships are very challenging to maintain in graduate, medical, or law school. I didn't want to stand in her way, so we agreed to break up before she starts classes this summer.
There are no wasted experiences. I do not regret dating my ex girlfriends. Each one made me a better person in one way or another. This is why I find the "One" myth so problematic that there is a single perfect person for each of us. I had my three serious relationships from ages 22-32. At the time I dated each one of the 3, I thought she was the "One." All three women are entirely different in terms of values, ideals, lifestyle, interests, looks, and personality. Why is that? Because from 22-32 my personal values, goals, and beliefs changed. That is normal.
Each relationship taught me something about myself and what truly mattered to me in a life partner. Each relationship taught me how to communicate better with a romantic partner and balance her needs with my own responsibilities. I became less stubborn and irritable and more patient aa I learned what things really mattered and which things it was ok to compromise or agree to disagree.
I truly feel this is not valued enough in our world of endless options via dating apps and social media, the value of dating multiple kinds of people. The accessibility of the internet along with the idea that each person has a "one" who will meet all the needs in our heart of hearts gives us the illusion that all we have to do is fill out a dating profile of our likes and dislikes and wait for that perfect person to come along while eliminating those that don't fit all of our criteria.
Here is what I have found. People are pretty awful at knowing what they want deciding what they need. First of all the odds of finding a person that perfectly fits your list of likes and dislikes is dismal. Second, just because you think you want those traits in a partner does not mean that if you find a person with those traits that you will actually be compatible. How many times has a friend or a family member talked you into trying a restaurant you thought you would hate or watch a movie or TV show you thought you would despise only for you to be surprised and realise that the thing you thought you would hate you actually love?
In my experience, people tend to work the same way. More times than I can count, I have randomly met someone who if I saw them on Tinder I would have dismissed without a second thought only for them to turn out to be a great friend with benefits, life long friend, or a significant other. Everyone has their own values, and I do not advocate compromising your ethics, religion, morals, or safety for the sake of keeping an open mind. You need to stay true to yourself. However, the older I have gotten the more I have realised that it is often the people you would LEAST expect that become people who will support you or stick by you for your entire life and won't abandon you when things get hard. Likewise, oftentimes the people who seem fantastic on paper when I finally meet them, I cannot stand them.
I can think of one person in particular, an anacquaintance, who shares all of my ideals, values, and interests. We hate each other.
What is my point? I have watched my friends talk to multiple people on dating apps and social media for months or years and never go on a single date in person. When I ask them why they never go out with any of these people they tell me either that they don't meet all of their requirements or they are lousy at chatting online. Plenty of people prefer meeting someone in person or over Skype to endless text chats. Just because they don't like to text doesn't mean they are bad people. Also as I have said, we each have our personal likes and dislikes. Some are dealbreakers some are not. The only way to know which are dealbreakers is to meet people in real life. That is how you determine your true priorities in a romantic partner.
Waiting around for the perfect person is self defeating since you will likely never find someone that checks every single one of your boxes. Therefore, you have to decide which are most important. You can only learn that by dating many many different types of people.
What is the solution? Date more casually and don't take rejection personally. A date isn't a marriage proposal. Stop worrying about whether someone is your life partner based on their chat, text, or online dating profile. Go out there and meet all different kinds of people. You will never regret the experiences you have and the things you can learn if you out yourself out there. Each of those experiences will make you a more interesting' confident stronger and more compassionate romantic partner. If they meet your minimum requirements, take a chance and have coffee. It's just coffee. Not marriage. You can leave at any time. If it doesn't work out, be polite, say thank you, and you still learned something. All you lost was an hour of your time.
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