I’ve been with my international long distance boyfriend for 16 months. We have been on/off and shaky for a bit, with the breaks initiated on my end. Sometimes it’s hard for me to know what “status” we are because I am so wavering back and forth on breaking up on impulse or because something triggers me.
Anyway, during all our time together, I know he’s only been with me. During one of our breaks that was no contact, I’ve actually dated someone else but stopped once my bf reached back out to me and said he missed me, etc. He was hurt that I had dated someone else but wanted to get back together regardless.
I know my bf considers me “the one” and that he truly loves me. He’s had a promiscuous and non-committal past before meeting me. He said he tried filling the void with the wrong things (casual sex) that just had a diminishing return eventually. He said once he met me, the one he wanted, BAM he didn’t want others anymore. I know he loves me and he’s in the process of moving here permanently to live with me.
I, on the other hand, grew up very religious and deconverted at age 23, which is also when I met my bf and lost my virginity to him. It was amazing and I really felt how he made love to me. However, when he went back / we were apart, I suddenly spiraled into insane insecurities that he would be cheating on me, given his promiscuous and non-committal past. Honestly though he’s never given me a reason to doubt. We text and call very often. He keeps in touch with me if he does happen to go out or see friends.
Anyway, my point to all this is — after I dated someone else during our break (this was a few months ago), I got a taste of what sleeping with someone else is like, what dating “locally” is like, and I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t the same as making love though, and I did miss the emotional / psychological depth of connection and intimacy I had with my bf.
A few weeks ago, I technically cheated on my bf. We weren’t defined in terms of a label (this was after we got back together after I had confessed to dating someone else) but I know he was under the impression that we were in an exclusive grey zone, because that’s what he asked for when I told him I couldn’t commit. However recently he has been referring to me as his girlfriend (after my cheating incident) and I just let it slide.. but I keep growing in guilt.
So what happened is — this guy I knew from mutual friends, whom I find extremely attractive, had been texting me . The texts had been flirtatious and sexual in nature. I ended up meeting up with him to hang out and things eventually got sexual— but I didn’t have sex with him.
The thing is.. I lied to my bf that day. I told him I was going to meet my girl friend at a park. He did text me that night asking if I was okay because I wasn’t responding (it was like 8pm my time) but he eventually went to sleep (it would have been 5am his time) and wrote me a sweet goodnight message. I could tell he was worried or something was off, but he conveyed he trusted me that I wasn’t doing anything.
(Note: that guy and I are still casually talking and he actually wants to meet up for sex)
Anyway.. that incident was weeks ago and now my bf and I are basically official, and he continually talks about our future, even having kids, getting married, etc.
I do enjoy the “emotional security blanket” he gives me and I cherish our connection— yet I feel like I really want to explore and have my freedom and not be in a LDR, especially because I haven’t ever gotten the chance to do that yet.
Tldr: Should I tell my bf that I technically cheated on him and lied to him about my whereabouts / who I was meeting, a few weeks ago? Or would that inflict unnecessary hurt on him? Does he deserve to know the truth or is this something I should hide? Should I just break up cleanly instead, not telling him what happened, so he’ll never have to know?
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