Im 25m, I was a pretty antisocial, introverted, unattractive teen and I met my first girlfriend at 19 (we were both 19) from being friends at work, we definitely both had a crush on each other from the start. After we hung a few times and make out a bit (my actual first real kiss) we decided to be together, and stayed together for 4-5 years. She was my best friend, as most of my friends are drinkers and neither of us drink much I would often rather hang out with her, go to dinner or just relax at home. She introduced me to asian food, she introduced me to some of my favorite movies and was generally my best friend. But we never made concrete plans about our future together, partly, selfishly because I wasnt sure if i did want to spend the rest of my life with her.
We had really never had one real fight or argument, other then she not wanting me to give her so many massages.
The problems with our relationship was sexual and emotional.
The emotional part was she was abused as a child and moved out at 15 to get away from her family. She has never fully told me the circumstances behind it but my guess is it was probably sexual abuse. This has led her to become very insecure, she would apologize for everything to the point of it getting me annoyed. It got better over the years but she always tried to be too good and pleasant but in a way that feels like a phony defense mechanism. This kept a wall in our relationship that made any hard discussions about things difficult.
This led to our sexual problems, I know she deeply loved me but she never really enjoyed sex, she enjoyed foreplay and the intimacy of sex but I never felt she actually got off or orgasmed really. I would suggest things like trying to play with herself so she could tell me what she liked more or just anything that would make her enjoy it more, but she never seemed too interested. I would enjoy going down on her but she never once actually enjoy it. Im pretty large and have a very high stamina and after 45 min of sex she would usually get sore and want to stop, me having to finish myself, while we made out and I really got tired of that as it became the regular. She also hated blowjobs, she would say how much she loved doing it but after a while it was very apparent she really did not.
So fast foreword a bit and we became a bit distant, it got to the point where I was sort of fed up with everything and when I tried to talk to her about these problems she just shut down. Funny enough the one thing that really set me off is when she sed she wanted to go to a particular restaurant for dinner and I sed I wanted another place, she sed ok but then didn't talk to me the whole night, even though she agreed to go to the place I wanted. This pretty much let to us breaking up because I was fed up with the noncommunitation. And also I realize I am EXTREMELY selfish but I wanted to try to have sex with another person, as shes the only one ive ever been with.
So fast forward again and I took a girl out, someone else I met at a different workplace but hadn't talked to very much, this is another whole can of worms that I wont get much into right now but she was quite rude, I even gave her a valentines day gift before we went out and asked her multiple times through text if she was just being polite but she still sed she wanted to go. Anyway we go out, we went back to my place to watch a movie and I didn't even try to make a move on her because I just wanted her to be comfortable, as she is a few years younger and I didn't want her to just think I asked her over for sex, I genuinely wanted to get to know this person. She left 10 minutes before the movie even ended, off some excuse about her friends coming over. After she didn't thank me for dinner, didn't really ever msg me again, and didn't even wanted to be work friends. I think she may have either been trying to make her boyfriend jealous (as she sed she was getting back with her ex, a common excuse I know), or never wanted to go in the first place, or just wanted some sex and got bored WUPS lol
ANYWAY.
This whole situation has made me really think about what I want and if I left a girl I should have really worked with. It seems even the girls you think are sweethearts, like the one I tried to take out can be kinda mean bitches.
My mom has kept in contact with my ex and it doesn't seem like shes taking the isolation very well, which makes me feel more for her and about things.
Honestly I know im just rambling at this point (I started drinking a bit half way through writing) but getting it all off my chest is cathartic in a way.
If anyone has any advice, questions or comments on the matter I would really appreciate it.
Thanks
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