I’m not a very sexual person (f). I didilly diddle like everyone else but when i imagine it with another person or even watching porn even it’s just kind of a turn off? Like maybe it’s like seeing the faces? I don’t know what’s the main issue behind it, i know what caused it but not the path to resolving and healing?
Like many, my parents are the main cause of this flaw. Father was emotionally and sexually abusive to mom. Sex and cleaning. Roll that in with bipolar, narcissism, and distrust n you got some fucked up dude. Generally unpleasant person but if not mentally ill they’d probably would be a ok person…
Anyways I’ve noticed some mental changes in the past.. maybe 3-4 months? I’ve been more interested in with being with another human, maybe even sexually. I don’t have anyone I’m just very open to the idea. But. I don’t think i can open up enough to get through the early stages of a relationship. I can only imagine past that. I’d like a healthy relationship. I’d fuck with that. That’d be cool.
They say you can never be ready for a relationship. I make decent money, hopefully not ugly, and consciously try to mentally improve. but i don’t think at this point I’d allow myself to be vulnerable and do the sex. I’m still very uncomfortable with that. I’d really just rather not, but that’s not really realistic.
Which leads me back to whether or not i should just wait and sort myself out a little longer. Not even 21 yet so no rush but still..
TLDR: indecisive whether or not to try to be vulnerable and find a partner. Perturbed by sex, but like idea of having healthy relationship with human. Probably should wait.
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