This is mostly a vent but I feel like there's enough of a diverse set of members here that you might have some good feedback. For context im 30M
Had a long-term gf until recently. Overall I've always been a bit too "yes man" growing up, but past few years have worked on being more assertive. I think I may have had a breakthrough recently when I finally vocalized it to a friend:
you know what, ive spent all my life bending over other people's wills. i cant control how they will react to me, and i honestly dont care anymore about what they think of me. i know im kind and useful, understanding, open-minded and smart most of time. if they cant appreciate that then its up to them, not to me
I know I was stroking off my ego a bit too hard in that last part but still, i feel like i'm not wrong. I am complimented by friends and coworkers on those qualities I listed, so I know I have them. On top of having a full-time job and living in a nice neighbourhood, I have many different hobbies and even write stories and have self-published several. I have no problem being by myself, I can easily entertain me, and have always some project on the horizon. Yet I cannot stop this inner drive for finding someone to live with, and as a result I feel lonely often when it feels like there's no progress happening towards that goal.
I'm also starting to think my accomplishments and "working on myself" are now working against me. They feel braggy, or even fake. I can't find a way to express them to others without them feeling like a flex or showing off. Most people either are impressed or act impressed, but I still get pretty much zero interest from others. There just isn't any genuine curiosity flowing both ways (as I perceived it to be happening in the past anyway). More and more I feel like I… over-accomplished? My "list of achievements" may be impressive but it just creates a wider gap if I mention it to others. I understand people can feel like they're not doing enough when they meet someone who does (I feel that all the time).
I'm Spanish and have been living abroad in Sweden for some years. It could certainly be that the cultural divide is too great, though I'm skeptical of assigning blame to forces outside my control. Talking with other expats here, the complaints are generally the same. Online dating is just soul crushing as a guy (I know it's also hard for women for different reasons). I think it's just a bad way to connect people, it creates too many misunderstanding and incentivizes the wrong type of mentality imo. And here in Sweden at least socializing is very different than where I come from. And there's no better alternative out there to meet people if you're not part of a group or fluent in the language as far as I'm aware.
It could also be that I'm simply not attractive enough, but my track record would make me think otherwise. I don't want to talk numbers but considering the amount of people I've been with intimately (in the past), and the fact that I've gotten a couple of compliments here and there, I know I'm at least slightly above average looking. It feels like everyone is obsessed with becoming the most fit here though, on a never-ending treadmill journey to perfect bodies. If the bare minimum standard for having a chance is looking super-fit then I don't stand a chance lol.
Lately I feel like I should just accept the odds. Despite there being many potential "soulmates" out there, either the way people are nowadays or the tools we have to find them mean the odds of it actually happening are very slim. And that just makes me sad honestly. But so be it. There's still plenty of experiences to be had in the world that don't involve being with someone on a lifelong journey.
Thanks for reading yet another vent
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