Never wrote this with the intention of sharing on reddit, but here goes.
Like, well, all of humanity, I have a desire to connect with other people. And in sexual relationships I am currently not meeting that need. Yes there are times I really want to fuck, fuck and fuck some more, it’s just libido. Sometimes, just thinking about the intensity of kissing, not just kissing but real sensual kissing, almost gets my mind into a frenzy. In a way it can be even more passionate than sex. And it’s hard having not accessed that intimate part of myself the last 18 months or so, since my last relationship.
But also I want to really love someone else and bring that part of me out from where it’s been sitting so patiently waiting inside my soul. To bond and build a trust with someone else. With a genuine mutual desire of wanting the best for each other and wanting to better each other. To know you’ve got each other’s back. I’ve never got to that point with someone else.
It’s hard to accept that the only person preventing this from becoming reality is me. There are all kinds of excuses, justifications and explanations my brain comes up with, including what inadequacies I have preventing me from settling into a relationship. “You’re picky, others would settle for less.” “You’ve had opportunities that you’ve passed off for legitimate reasons.” “You don’t have enough confidence.” “You don’t ask enough women out.” “You had a conservative upbringing which stifled your development.” ”You’re not interesting enough / you need to broaden your interests and social sphere to meet more people first.”
I’m convinced there is some truth in those statements. But I also know that I cannot hold anyone or anything else responsible for my own perceived failure. And surely I am not unique, other people are not free from fear and lack of confidence, but it doesn’t necessarily prevent them from finding love. So if I want this to change I have to confront the reality and work out what I must change. As someone once said, doing things the same way and expecting different results is stupidity.
If I am honest with myself, as far as I can tell right now, it probably boils down to two things. I need to accept my fear of rejection and just approach more women regardless of how confident I feel. I cannot be bound by fear of hurting in this way, or nothing will change. Second, I need to be kinder to myself and allow myself to be imperfect. To get closer to reaching a point where knowing that others see my imperfections does not phase me. To be able to make fun of my flaws and laugh it off. Fundamentally, to allow myself to be who I am and not always hide behind a set of defence mechanisms. The ones I have been practicing since childhood. Even though it can hurt to take this risk it’s probably the one I have to take.
In the words of Andy Dufresne, “I guess it comes down a simple choice. Get busy living, or get busy dying."
What do you think?
submitted by /u/ritahayworth150620
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