My girlfriend (26F) ended our 3 year relationship with me (30M) about 6 weeks ago, right before the lockdown started. It wasn't an ordinary relationship. We had been through a lot. We moved in together after only 6 months (which was maybe too soon). We met in Canada and after 12 months we moved to the UK together. I'm British and she's Canadian British.
We had been going through a rough time for a few weeks. She told me she wanted us to break up a couple of weeks before that but I was heartbroken and begged for us to work on things. Looking back now, I don't think she ever wanted to. Those few weeks were strange, mostly because the virus was just kicking in and we couldn't go out and spend quality time together to work on our relationship.
As the weeks past, we began to bicker, and she was being quite mean and snappy with me (not like her) and she asked me for some space again, so I decided to go home to my parents (couple of hours away). We agreed that I would go back home for a couple of weeks and she said she didn't want to talk for a week to get space, although we did briefly text through the week. She did also text me in that week and told me she loved me and missed me. A few days later (now 6 weeks ago), she called me and said she wanted to end things and that was it, final. How can you say you love and miss someone and end it 4 days later, and be so sure? Her reason was that she loved me but isn’t in love with me anymore.
I was heartbroken. I sobbed for 4 days straight. I did all the things I shouldn't do, I texted her begging for us to work on things, told her I could be a better person and a better partner. That I would do anything to have her back. That I loved her more than anything. None of this got through. It upset me because she seemed so cold and distant. I can't tell you how much of an opposite this is for her. If anything, she is usually the more loving person who was better at showing her feelings than i was . I truly believed she gave 100% to our relationship and that she really loved me, which is why i still find it so hard to understand now.
I started watching YouTube videos on breakups and I learnt about the no contact rule. So after 3 days of me begging I decided to stop texting. I did the no contact rule for a week or two. She would occasionally message me about the apartment and I would respond but nothing like what I had been. By the third week, I decided to post her a letter I had written. I summarised all my feelings into this long letter that I thought would be better to send rather than being tempted to text again. That letter had everything I could possibly say, all my feelings, all my love, my heartache. Everything. She told me she got it and read it but passed no comment.
Fast forward a few weeks, I was starting to feel a bit better. And by that I mean, I'm not crying everyday. But yesterday came the real kick in the teeth. I drove down to get most of my clothes back. I wasn't expecting it to upset me, we had been arranging it for a week and I thought I was fine. But that all changed when i saw her. She seemed really cold, like a different person. It was as if I didn't mean anything to her anymore. She helped me pack my suitcase and gave me a hug. I cried but she showed no emotion. I just can't understand it. I asked her if she regretted the breakup or was having second thoughts. Her response cut me so deep. She said, "honestly, this is the first breakup I have had that I do not have any doubts over" .
I drove back home with all my stuff in boxes. Got to my parents house and just broke down. I feel exactly like I did on day one. I tried to unpack my clothes and just sobbed. It's not only losing her, but I think it hit me, I no longer have a home or anywhere to live properly. Everything I knew and had has been lost. Feel like I have absolutely nothing and the boxes made it real. I'm working from home from my parents during the virus, but I know at some point I'm then going to have to find a new place, alone. I moved to London with her. I don't know anyone else there and I don't have friends there that I can even socialise with once this is over. I don’t know if in even want to be there anymore. I feel so messed up.
I honestly can't put into words how upset I am again. I didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain. (I have been through grief before, broke up with exes, lost loved ones) but this feels different. Maybe because I thought she was the one. I just continually beat myself up. I blame myself for the relationship ending. She was always 100% commited and I feel at times I didn't appreciate her enough, didn't do enough things to show her I cared and took her for granted. I think I thought she would always be there. I told her in my letter that I know all my faults and I would work on them, I could be a better partner. I listed everything I felt I had done wrong and how I could make it right, if she just gave me a chance. I said that knowing my faults is half the battle and I acknowledge them.
After I got home yesterday I texted her again, saying how sad I was and that I wanted things to work out. She said she's sorry and thinks it would be best to block me on social media. She said she’s not interested in making it work anymore.
I'm heartbroken and i don't know how I can move on. I don't want to move on. If she loved me, and I am willing to change and work on myself how can she completely reject me. Did she ever love me as much as I thought? I think the hardest part is that there were not any real warning signs up until the last few weeks, if there were I could have prepared for it, or done something to change. It went from all to nothing so quickly. Is that normal?
Sorry that was a long post.
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