Struggling w/ a Rejection?

Struggling w/ a Rejection

This is my first Reddit post, bare with me!

Developed a small crush on a coworker about two years ago and didn’t think much of it. He was kind of dorky and always made me smile or laugh. He’s a bit older than me, about 7 years.

I never thought much of it because another female coworker of mine was crushing on him as well (never confessed to her I also had feelings for him). (We are not friends anymore though).

I don’t know why or what exact moment it was that my feelings for him turned into something more- and for some reason, I thought he felt something too. Now I wonder if it was all in my head, how can you be sure when you’re crushing hard?

I ended up changing workplaces not too long after the crush began growing, and for nearly a whole damn year, he was all I could think about. There were other guys that tried to get close to me, and I tried to feel something but I never could.

I would message him sometimes to small talk over the year, but it never went anywhere. When we had small work reunions, I got all pretty for him and still- he never made much effort to talk to me.

It was wracking my brain so hard that I couldn’t move on and like another guy that I finally worked up the courage to ask him out last year.

We went for a coffee and we talked for a few hours. In the beginning, I thought he was tired or uninterested and it put me off but I didn’t realize how long we talked for. It was nice because we both talked, and we both listened and it just flowed so well. I often find myself dreading dates when they go for too long- but this was different.

It came to an end, and we said our goodbyes (just a hug) and I remember feeling so calm when I got home. It was odd because it didn’t feel like he was interested, but it also didn’t feel like he was uninterested.

I had too much of an adrenaline rush to stop there so I asked him on a second date (my bad, I guess) and he said he was busy (no offer for another day). It concluded his feelings, but to be sure, I just opened up to him that I asked him out as more than a friend.

He confessed that he suspected it, and then wrote a really sweet message back saying I was beautiful and great but concluding that the age gap was too much. (I’m 19).

Most of my friends are much older than me, and I have always been told I am very mature for my age. I wondered what it was about me, or if it was just the number that bothered him. Or, just an excuse so I wouldn’t feel as bad?

I replied accepting it and thanking him for being sweet. After that, I stopped messaging him and just tried to move on. I went on a dating spree, tried to find someone that I could feel something for. I dated guys my age, and guys older, and still- I found myself comparing them to him.

We share a group of friends and not long after the rejection, we both went out with these friends. I acted as normal as I could, and I think he did too. It wasn’t awkward at all. Though, he paid for my food at the end, and I tried to pay him back but he wouldn’t accept it.

For months after, I just tried to move on.

One day, he messaged me inviting me out to this group of friends. I guess I was surprised because he’s never been the one to invite me out with these friends. I keep telling myself he was just being friendly, but when we went out, it felt awkward and he was more quiet than usual.

It wasn’t our normal group, much smaller than usual, and I found myself wondering why he had invited me. I think I started to feel angry because he just wasn’t saying much. I would’ve appreciated if he could at least try to make conversation, especially since I was totally not a bitch with the rejection even though it felt like I got stomped on 🙁

It was running through my mind that maybe part of him did feel something as I had suspected, but it’s like he is always holding back. I suppose it’s just wracking my head that my gut won’t let go of him.

Even though he rejected me, I wonder why it’s so hard to just forget him. I can’t figure out why the thought of him still gives me butterflies.

How do I move on? How do I settle that “what if” feeling even after he’s rejected me?

I just want to find peace and stop thinking about him- stop comparing him to potential partners. But, while also staying civil and able to stay in the same friend group.

I don’t want him to think I hate him, so I’ve got him on social media now.

I guess I’d just like some outside perspective. I feel like I am too zoomed in on the situation.

Any perspective or advice is appreciated! Thank you.