Taking a break from dating

Before I (28F) forget: I am going to therapy, I just wanted to vent about dating, since I’m just over it for a while. TLDR at bottom.

Early last year, I got out of an almost 6yr relationship – a relationship that wasn’t healthy for me due to his level of jealousy and possessiveness. For example, he would give me the silent treatment if I waved at another guy (small college campus- everyone knows everyone and I was an athlete). This was early on, and I tried to break up with him, but he asked for another chance and he promised to change.

Near the end, I had coffee with a guy friend and all that jealousy/possessiveness that he suppressed came back. 3-4 months went by and I broke it off. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was being interrogated out so many things. He said I was trying to cheat. This broke my heart because after almost 6 years, he still didn’t trust me??? I am so loyal, and I’ve never cheated in any of my relationships. I’m a social person, I’ve been told I easily make friends. But I have boundaries that I value.

And before I forget, his ex (before me) also broke up with him for the same reason (jealousy/possessiveness). There were other red flags & other contributing factors that led to me breaking up with him but jealousy/possessiveness was a huge one – and now I have become scared of entering another unhealthy relationship.

Since that relationship, I’ve tried dating again – there have been 2 guys that I’ve actually liked. The first guy: it was going so great, and I communicated my hesitation to him. We did a lot of “relationship” things (for example meeting some of his family & other important people in his life). At the end, he told me he only want me in his life as a friend. It took a little while to overcome this tiny heartbreak, but I’m glad that he’s a friend (he now has a gf, and the happiness of others (even if it doesn’t include me) is important – something I value).

The second guy: we talked/dated for 4ish months. We went on quite a few cute dates and he genuinely seemed interested. Then there was a month where he went on a trip with his friends, aaaand he ghosted me. I reached out after 3 weeks asking if he was okay or if this was his way to telling me he wasn’t interested in me. He responded that he got afraid on how “fast” our relationship was moving because during his trip, one of my texts included the words “I miss you.” Tbh, it’s saddening that someone could get scared by those words and respond by ghosting. But now, I most likely won’t tell a guy that I miss them after 4ish months of talking/going on dates.

I’ve tried meeting some other guys via OLD, but it’s just not working out. I’m still up to meeting people and having fun but only for friendships. I feel like I’ve lost hope for a committed relationships. I’m not willing to lower my standards either. For example, I didn’t agree to a second date with one guy because it seemed like he had a drinking problem (binge drinking, hangovers, not taking care of his health, etc). I don’t want to put myself through this. If he had a drinking problem years ago, sure.. fine, let’s go on a 2nd date. But recently?? No thank you.

I’ve deleted my dating apps. I’m still working out or run. I now have two jobs, a full time job and a per diem job (Im a clinician). I do my best to balance solo time and time with family and friends (via technology due to shelter in place). I’m up for making new friends all the time (which current is so hard to do) but I’m currently no longer in dating because I feel like I’m still overcoming heartbreaks and disappointments.

I just felt the need to vent about this.

TLDR: I currently don’t have a great history with dating, and my hope for a relationships has decreased. So I’m taking a break as a way to just protect myself.