I’m just so sad right now. I try so hard to work on myself: I’m in therapy, I take SSRIs to manage anxiety, I climb and surf, I have friends, hobbies, a promising career in engineering…
I try to be kind to everyone, I volunteer as often as I can, I’m well liked among my friends, highly sexual in relationships & kink positive, and aside from my anxiety due to PMDD– I’m a pretty cheerful person. I’ve had a life of adventures — moving to a national park and living in a van, traveling the world…
But no one seems interested in me. Men who show interest seem head over heels when they first meet me, but that initial excitement usually lasts about two months. No one has ever posted a photo of me, or wanted people to know they were in a relationship with me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I am so hurt that I will likely be alone forever. I try to stay positive, but I will be turning 30 soon, and I just can’t anymore.
I know I’m not very pretty, but I’m athletic and petite and I thought if I kept a good personality and had a happy life and decent job, then it would make up for it. But I guess not. I’m getting a nose job and some work done on my face after the quarantine, so maybe that will help… but I see other women on my attractiveness level who seem to have good relationships.
I’m also pretty introverted, and I’m not the funniest person around, but I love climbing and surfing and exploring and playing board games… I’m just not a very entertaining party girl, and it seems like that’s all anyone wants.
My current ex boyfriend was head over heels in love with me, his words, but then a couple months in, began bringing up polyamory. He wouldn’t drop polyamory, and while my mom was recovering from chemo and my best friend was in the hospital, I found out he was making secret plans to go to sri lanka and meet up with an old fwb. I dumped him, and he begged for me back, volunteered to go to therapy, etc. He seemed remorseful so I tried, but he did it again. His explanation is that he’s young and wealthy and feels like these are his last years to be free. So I dumped him and he begged for me back again. We’ve been having discussions, but once I started to give in a little he started pulling away again. All I’ve asked from him is to be honest and upfront. Even if he’s hanging with an ex or having a woman crash at his place, just give me a heads up.
Why am I not good enough? This pattern repeats itself with everyone I date. I don’t typically date wealthy people. I even supported some of my boyfriends. But they all still walk over me.
I’m terrified to date again. Every person I see on an app looks like they’re going to lie to me, but I don’t want to be alone forever. I know with every year I’m going to get older and uglier, and it’s sad to think that I will be like my aunt, who died alone.
I don’t know what to do. What can I do? Do I need to force myself to be a louder extrovert?
submitted by /u/jessicawaltertobe
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