Hey guys, Ned (30) here and I'm a first time reddit user and I figured I'd try for some opinions on my situation and some internet therapy. Forgive me if I ramble a bit, there is just much to cover and I will try to compact it.
I met my girlfriend (22) mid last summer and we hit it off from the get-go. We were wildly attracted to eachother and had so many similar interests from our first conversation and to this day. We started seeing eachother every weekend from the day we met and after a couple months we decided to make it an 'official' relationship. I was a bit concerned about what people would think about the age difference being almost 8 years apart but she said her ex was 35 years old and that it isnt and shouldn't be an issue.We live about an hour away from eachother and both work(ed) full time jobs. I would drive to visit her at her parents house one weekend and she would drive to my place the next. We had a great thing going and really started to fall in love with eachother. She is a keeper my friends told me upon meeting her.?
I work as a pipefitter at a government job and have for a few years and and she just got hired at a distribution center. We talked about plans of moving in together soon and I mentioned I had been thinking of getting a house near the area I work and she said that would be fine because she wasn't really liking the company she worked for and she would be okay with finding work closer to mine.
We had the 'do we want kids someday' convo and we were both very on board for wanting kids eventually and me just turning 30 would like to do it sooner than later but not for at least a couple years. She agreed and would go on and on about how she had 'baby fever and was always googling over babies we saw in public or on social media. She also mentioned she was not on birth control nor ever plans on it due to beliefs that it's not natural for the body, which I agree with and understood the risks. I have had one mutual abortion with my ex girlfriend about 5 years ago and it was much more devastating mentally for both of us than we had thought and ended up in a mutual breakup. I explained this to my girlfriend now and said that I dont think I could ever go through that stress again. We are both very pro choice and she is very active in many social/political rights issues like that.
Well I guess you know what comes next. We both knew the risks of unprotected sex. She told me to finish in her one night because she was on her period or will be soon. I did and we both agreed to get the morning after pill. Well we both slacked on that due to the low risk and both subconscious desire for reproducing. Life finds a way right? A month or so later we found out she was pregnant. We did talk about abortion and even the possibility of adoption but we both agreed that we could make it work. We chose life and were both began to get excited. ?
I was a bit stressed at first with lots running through my mind but she was very reassuring and told me to just keep doing what I was doing and that she would live at her parents and continue working until I found a place. She said she would work until she goes into labor and that we have lots of support from her family and I know my family will support us as well. Even talked about how we could stay with her parents for a bit if we needed to, but I declined as I do not want to move in with her parents and I did not want to have over an hour commute to work. At this point we had only known eachother for a bit over 6 months (most ppl say at least 2 years before any major moves). Gotta say it was a bit embarrassing to break the news to many of my friends and my parents didnt seem too thrilled with my choice but offered support regardless. Her parents were strangely very excited (i was nervous cuz me a 30 year old just got your 22 year old preg )and were 100 percent about it from the start and offered support wherever needed. Here's where things start to take a turn..
Our families finally had a 'meet the parents' event after the news and came out for a little cookout meet n greet. Her parents are a bit of the hippie nature and brought up the fact that they dont have much money and have been very poor due to some medical issues and getting screwed by the medical system but have adapted to that life since they've met. My girlfriend often told me about this and did mention that she hadn't had much in her childhood. The weird part is that it seems like her family brags about being poor very often and how they know the struggle and are more powerful from it yet my gf claims they do get in fights about money often. My family is pretty traditional middle class but everyone is a very hard worker and doing well for themselves. My family was kinda giving me looks about it which was pretty stress inducing.
A few weeks later my girlfriend started getting morning sickness and one monday later told me she quit her job because she was getting bullied for lack of performance even tho they seemed to be very accommodating to her pregnancy. I could see how her job might think that because she texted and sent me links and stuff all day every day when she was at work. She is pretty addicted to her phone and social media and posts sometimes more the ten times a day. She said she got in trouble for it a couple times at work. I was a little worried why she just quit on the spot but gave her the benefit of the doubt that the stress may be bad for the fetus and that she can find another gig closer to me soon. My mom sent me a screenshot of a a post on facebook saying that she is looking for a creative escape from the workforce. Someone commented "Housewife?" And she said 'wouldnt that be nice'. She deleted it after I told her it was a bit concerning. She did mention how WIC and EBT were a possible for food help but quitting her job forfeited unemployment.
A week after this she began telling me her car was making weird.noises.and she didnt feel safe in it. At this point I had drove to get her or too her for the next couple months and started getting tired of the only one driving. I asked her parents if they could help her get her car fixed because it would be very helpful for us. They said they would take care of it but it might not be right away because they were struggling on funds. Couple more weeks go by and they mention that she doesn't need a car right now and that she should get one when she gets a job again..
Here we are mid march and the coronavirus pandemic hits. Me working a govt job I was deemed essential and was reporting to work. Her parents were way more concerned about the pandemic than anybody else I've seen granted they did have some underlying conditions. They told me for every day I worked I couldn't see her for 14 days and that I should stop working if i wanted to see her. She was even on board with this and even told.me to.look for a.different job because she doesn't believe the work i do is essential.Her dad even offered me.a.job but it seemed sketchy and not reliable. I love my job and make.a.good living with benefits and am.part of.a.union. i was torn on what to do. Her parents are once again kinda hippie types and are always going on and on about how the govt is flawed and they seem to be very anti trump activists(I stay out of politics and could care less about the political views of others) Super stressed about this..another month goes by and i saw her once in that period because she snuck out and we missed eachother so badly. Finally it got so bad we were both depressed. We agreed that she would move in with me and I would do my best to be as safe as possible at work and have a strict regiment of laundry and cleaning myself after work. After all we need to bond together since we are having a.child together.
Once she moved in it was like the honeymoon was over. She told me that she doesn't want to work until the baby stops breastfeeding and that's final because mother has to be with baby.. is that one year? Two? I remember a story she told.me of her little sister how she breastfed till 3 years old… Not once did I agree to.paying.all of the Bill's and fully financially support a stay at home mom. I made this clear about how i felt. We seemed to be in a constant argument about it. I explain to her that.most parents I know, the mother is.still able.to.work.part time even if it's just a day out of the week to support. She freaks out that I'm comparing her to others and that she feels like I'm considering her worth only in money. She then compares me to her uncle who supports a family of 4 kids on one income and he is doing fine and how most of the time her dad was the only one working.Right after this she explain the whole being a.mom is a full time job (I agree but so is a dad) and that she is going to be the one experiencing the physical aspects of birth (big sacrifice I understand). She would kind of get into tantrums as expected from preg hormones and would ask her parents to come pick her up because of our disagreements. Her parents said that they were worries about Covid-19 and that they couldn't. This happend maybe three or four times and her parents never came. To me it seemed like they were happy to have her out of the house.
When I tell her at first I think we should stay at the apartment and buying a house was too risky, expensive, and more work that it's not a good time for us in our situation especially on one income. She flips saying that renting is throwing money away and that we can make more money selling a house later and that her fam can help fix up a house. Her parents are on their second mortgage for a house they got for a good price ages ago and are struggling with that so I am reluctant to take much of any advice from them. I'm also like hey. Wait a second. I tell her I'm the only one with an income here I think I should have a bit more bearing on our financial decisions as of now. Wow shouldn't have said that here we go getting compared to money again.
So I'm looking for houses the next couple weeks and all of a sudden the houses are too far from her family and that she has to be close to them because they cant travel as much and it would be easier for them to visit. Yet wouldnt I be doing all the commuting to work? Why make me spend more on gas 5 to 6 days a week and loose sleep? I even said that her parents could stay over whenever they want ( which now I'm scared they will try to move in). She says its too far for them…. um ok well are they helping with rent or gas or anything?!…. her mom said she would pay for a.midwife for.birth and then now my girl makes me.feel.like its.my responsibility as the father and her mom cant afford it.
We decided to try counseling therapy and I explained all of this to the therapist and she explained her side. Seemed like the therapist was sorta siding with me and we left with her in tears.. didnt help..
Now she is back home after her parents let her and we are on good terms but she has still.pushed for.me.to.drive there and back after work most days and it's hard to say no sometimes.
All the while these conversation/sometimes arguments going on I am trying to just be reasonable as to keep stress low. We know it's not good to be stressing like this when pregnant for the babys health sake. I just cant help but feel like I've been a bit manipulated into the situation I am in. I've even explained this to her. I havent been doing much from corona fear (mostly her fear) and I have missed out on some pretty fun sounding social distancing family events(my family promising to adhere to her standards). Yet, just now she invited me to a protest for the police brutality that occurred recently and said it's very important that she goes..uhmm hello? Have u seen the riots?? Yeah it could start off peacefully but you never know police were using tear gas and rubber bullets. It's not the environment for a young pregnant girl. Oh yeah not to mention how the hell are you going to practice social distancing in that sort of environment?!??! I declined attending thinking how hippocratic it is after the corona standards I have been put through with her. She understands that I dont wanna go and says her friends will look after her and she will be safe and if it gets bad.(I dont really like protesting and this one I dont believe in because its black lives matter and in my opinion this was only a police brutality case, not about race). She said it would be nice to have me protect her tho…
What do you think? Am I being played? Is this an elaborate plan to leech child support money from me? Should I ride it out and just agree with everything? Does this seem manipulative? Am I just being immature and having trouble accepting the responsibility? Should I just man up and accept the current situation and hope it will work out and things will fall into place? Is this just a a product of pandemic induced stress?I hate to have these questions in my mind but I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasnt worried. I really do love her and I can tell she really loves me and we want to make this work however we are just finding out that we may be pretty different people. Is this just a life lesson on unprotected sex? I dont know but as of now I'm just going to do.my best to give her love and.support her and try not to talk about it much for the sake of our child.
Thanks for reading and i am excited for your responses
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