We weren’t dating formally when this happened. We had only been texting back and forth for like 4 months prior.
It happened on March 16th, the third time he came over, and over the next 1.5 weeks I replied to his texts less and less. I was not asking or hinting for anything the entire time he came over and he was rushing way too much. I never kissed him back. When he did it I couldn’t believe it. He did it out of nowhere. I didn’t know how to react but I didn’t want to seem dramatic or overreact or make a big fuss because I’m a people pleaser and it’s hard for me to openly communicate with people or say no because I have social anxiety.
When school closed, I was so thankful because I no longer had to see him in person. When quarantine started, I stopped going on my phone. I isolated myself from every one of my friends including him. He was literally in all of my social media and even hobbies we had in common I couldn’t handle because it reminded me of him. Every time I close my eyes that night haunts me. Every time I see any sort of romance or kissing in movies or tv shows, I can’t watch it.
It was so hard to tell some of my friends what happened. It’s so hard to say it. Even worse, two of my friends made jokes about it immediately, as if I wasn’t actually sexually assaulted or touched without consent. I guess it might be something that’s hard to understand. My best friend didn’t believe me at first, but after I explained the situation thoroughly a month later he understood.
But it still seemed like none of my friends understood how traumatic it actually was. My friends kept saying I owe an explanation to him, that I have to end it, that I can’t keep stringing him along (leading him on), but it was seriously impossible to text him back. I couldn’t even bring myself to read his texts. I felt like I couldn’t say anything and that I had no power or control. I tried telling my sister but when I would open my mouth nothing would come out.
After maybe a little over two months of ghosting him, he texted on May 18th and asked if I wanted to hang soon. I wanted to break my phone and throw it at the wall. My heart sinks whenever I get a notification and it’s from him.
I texted my one friend because I didn’t know what to do. I explained how I felt and she said she would help me respond and end things. I ended up texting him 1.5 hours later rejecting him. I couldn’t thank my friend enough for helping me I appreciated it so much. He responded quickly saying “Ok good I felt the same way” “I just didn’t want to say it” “The boys told me to say something so I did”
I didn’t respond. I have no idea if the guy even knows what he did was wrong.
I would like to unadd him as a friend on MAL because I don’t like that he can see whenever I’m online and what I’m watching/reading, but I don’t want to rude. I’m not sure how far I should go when cutting him out of my life. I think I would like to unadd him on PS4 too because I use it a lot.
I finally told both of my sisters 3 days ago when I went on this hike with my friend and this guy she’s been talking to, but she didn’t tell me the guy’s friend would be there. The guy’s friend thought I was out of high school already and he was 18 and he asked how old I was and I told him I was 16 and he said “Oh that’s old enough” and I was just so on edge because of what he did to me in March. (To be clear this 18 y/o is not the same guy that sexually assaulted me) I know it’s wrong to feel on edge around guys like I don’t want to generalize that all guys will do that to me but idk.
Anyway, my one sister responded (I told her over text because she wasn’t home, she was in another state) and she said I didn’t owe him anything and that he’s clearly a toxic person and that it was good I isolated myself from him. She said I shouldn’t have even responded to him but what I texted him was good. My other sister was shocked and didn’t know what to say which is understandable. She did say that I should keep trying and practice though. Essentially- to not give up.
I did learn something though. I don’t think I’m ever getting involved with another guy until I’m comfortable with communicating how I feel. After all communication is really important in a relationship. I also think I’m attracted to guys but I’m not ready to be sexual or intimate with one and idk if I ever will be. I’m not sure if that qualifies as asexual or not.
I guess I’m writing this because I’m not sure what to do with myself. I feel like I’m too awkward to talk to a therapist about it. I feel like I can’t go to my parents about it because they’re separated but haven’t filed for divorce yet (waiting until I graduate) and I feel like they wouldn’t understand.
I feel like I’m depressed which is scary because I thought I had seasonal depression but only gets bad in the winter. This is the first time its happening in the summer. I also have social anxiety so it’s hard to talk about my personal issues without stuttering, stumbling over my words, and tremors.
Sorry for writing such a long post and rambling.
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