Why are we tempted to bitterness?

I don't really know where to take any of these thoughts that I have, so feel free to read it, reply, discuss, or skip it altogether.

A warning: I'm a bit out of touch with my feelings, so much of this is simply a struggle to articulate what I can't easily understand. This will likely serve as an embarrassing demonstration of maladaptive thinking and an intellectual neuroticism, rivaled only by the likes of Woody Allen. Please challenge me wherever you see fit, my track record knows that I could use some constructive criticism.

I wouldn't call myself a bitter person, but I'm learning to recognize hints in myself. My father was always pretty negative. Even when he was happy and joking, it was twisted in a negative light, if that makes sense. In some of my recent interactions with women, I find them repeating the phrase 'you remind me of my Dad,' something which has prompted heavy reflection on this subject. Perhaps this is true because I am becoming like my own father, despite any desire not to. I find myself constantly perplexed by the negative thoughts that I have to process in my head, most of which well from some sort of shock in the relationship department. I also find myself in negative swings every week or so, which tends to have a detriment on my relationships. To clarify, I (21M) have never been in a true romantic relationship, but have been actively working at developing one since the start of college. My development over these years has been phenomenal. I never had issues with making friends, but I think I was incredibly naive, needy, a general pushover when it came to women I liked. More than that, they terrified me. My high school years were characterized by heavy gaming, weak intermittent flirting, anxiety in speaking to girls I was interested in. Senior year topped the lot when I put myself into the friendzone with a girl I'd liked the previous year, only to have her start dating my best friend/uni roommate (who I'd introduced her to).

Since then, I've made serious efforts with somewhere around ten romantic prospects, each varying in their time of communication and degree of failure. Two or three, I would say, were actually quite close to working out. In this, I've learned a lot regarding developing attraction, perhaps even maintaining it over some months, physical escalation; I digested anything in that bag of seductive tricks I could get my hands on. Even still, I have not succeeded yet, and that tempts me to bitterness in the early face of each rejection. I feel much of my time spent in my development is directed at fighting off those bitter thoughts to ensure that I don't incorporate qualities which might make me temporarily blameless. Strangely enough, this is a topic we don't like to talk about–it feels a certain degree of taboo–and I think that's a huge mistake. I need advice as to how I should compose myself properly in relationships, and how to stave off the bitterness as efficiently as it comes. I don't want to be bitter in my underdevelopment, not for me or anyone I might later encounter. My father was never helpful in this regard, in fact he was rather distant: the most advice I got on my issues with women was that I was 'overthinking it.' Of all the things I was blind to in my intimate relationships with women, my overthinking it was the one thing I was painfully aware of.

It's weird to say, but I'm quite proud of my recent rejection, which happened last Wednesday. It's proved so enlightening. In previous similar situations (let's say general friendzone setup), my pent-up confession often marked a point in the relationship when things began to degenerate. Whether it was from my own self-preservation or their being weirded out, it never went great. I do not talk with any of them anymore. With this one, the ask wasn't even technically a real ask. It was something casually thrown in between talking about sex and past relationships. If anything, our bond felt stronger (though I suppose only platonic) after that. I took the rejection in stride, continued talking, and then reflected later that night.

I realized that I don't have any intimate female friendships. I almost never have. My high school years had acquaintances, but any friends were the fruits of a disconnect between my intentions and theirs. I think this stems from the fact that didn't grow up with my mother. I didn't have that base of interaction with women from which I might have learned. I never learned to develop that intimacy, platonically or romantically. I still have never received encouragement to chase a girl. Sex was taboo in my household and friend groups. It was never mentioned, my only exposure being my early adoption of porn around 9. I had a girlfriend in first grade, and three others (which lasted a week) in fourth and fifth grade, and freshman year of college respectively. All four asked me out first, and all of the relationships were shallow. I had my first heart-breaking rejection in third grade, one then in middle school and two more in high school. All of these things I feel have amassed themselves to an issue that shouldn't be. My life was so incredibly pampered that I never learned to take initiative in this area of extreme lack. The only norm I mustered for 18 years was to bottle that emotion and carry on. This post is proof of it! Look at all of this I have unpacked in the span of a single post. These are things from my childhood I've never considered as deviations from healthy development. Nothings I've not considered much at all.

That pain of rejection lingers, but it fades quicker with each failure. I find the magnitude of emotions never really wanes, but we do learn to go through their motions quicker. With rejection, it's easy to turn to bitterness. It hurts most in the light of a great friendship, knowing that if you had played your hand differently, perhaps more optimally, then you might have come together in a way that benefits all involved. In that way, it feels a heavy failure. You failed yourself, the person of interest, perhaps even a world that could have been in the light of your union. The choice to offset the blame or take it onto you presents itself, and it's very easy to write it off as unlucky or unfair.

But that doesn't help. If you made it to the friendzone, then you were capable of that other side. You just walked the wrong path, and that is on you.

This is on me. I have a lot to fix, and I don't know where to start. So I try to start with the next step I see in front of me.

This girl still initiates every day, though the effort in the exchange has dropped dramatically on her side. I don't know the healthy balance of friendly interaction while also unsowing the seeds of romantic attraction I'd initially planted. I will keep this one as a friend, and what great friends we will make! It only makes me sad to think of friendships past, lost because of my own inadequacy to voice or display intention. I've been cutting our voice interactions shorter. Not out of spite or pain, but out of a desire to dedicate more time to my own development. I've reinstalled Tinder in these weird times, and am messaging people just to get in more practice.

I think I'm close to forming a real relationship. My aim is to have one under the belt before I turn 22, to which I expect a whole host of new issues to surface.

I hate feeling so incorrigibly lost, but I suppose my engagement in solving this issue justifies the presence of the issue in the first place.