“You’re a great guy but” (or similar) – Why does this keep happening to me?

I have never been very successful with women, to the extent that I have never had a proper girlfriend. To be clear, I’m not saying that I have never been on a date or that I’m a virgin, but I have never been in a situation where I’m “official” with someone. For context, I am a 25 year old man, I have a well-paid job in the city, I live alone, I’m 6’2” tall and weigh 190lbs, I have been told that I’m good looking (although I think I’m relatively average looking) and most people comment on my intelligence and sense of humour. I should also point out that it would be fair to describe me as self-deprecating (some may say overly so), slightly socially inept and albeit undiagnosed, likely to have some form of high functioning form of Asperger’s (that’s a different topic for another day).

About eighteen months ago, I decided that I really wanted to look for a partner properly, as I feel that I am missing out on something wonderful and my long-term goal is to have a family. There are four notable cases of failed romances that stick out to me which I want to highlight.

1. When I realised that I wanted to be in a relationship, I had recently started talking to a female colleague about my issues that made me realise. We were both working for this small company which we were both planning to leave in the very near future (we had outgrown our roles and we were pissed off with the management). As a form of catharsis, we ended up going for a drink during our lunchbreak/after work a few times a week, texting each other after work, etc. We were both going through a hard time and we helped each other deal with issues as they arose, which was a shock to me as we weren’t very close prior to our last couple of months at the company.
   We became really close and it was apparent that we were both physically attracted to each other. She left the company a few weeks before me to go travelling, and we started to sext each other on a regular basis as well as extended chatting. It turns out that we were highly sexually compatible and I became infatuated with her. We both knew that nothing could happen between us and our ambitions couldn’t be further apart. We did meet up a few times as friends after she returned from abroad and we both had started our new jobs but we started to have massive arguments and we eventually fell out.
   After a couple of months, we got back in contact and tried to stay friends. We managed to do so for a while until she all but asked me to leave her alone for a while (she was going through a tough time after breaking up with her boyfriend) and by the time we reconnected, the friendship several months later our friendship had ended. After this exile I got back in touch and after a short of time of irregular chatting, I asked her whether she might want to have a date now that she was single but she said that she “didn’t see me that way”. This was incredibly painful for me, as my misconception that she did see me that way had inspired a recent surge in self-confidence which was severely dented after she told me the truth.
   I’ve left a lot of details out of this one because it was the longest and by far the most complex relationship, but essentially it was apparent that we were both attracted to each other, we became close by talking about personal things (something neither of us were able to do with friends or family), started to argue incessantly, fell out and didn’t speak for two months due to the both of us being stubborn, reconnected before finally falling out permanently after her reflection on her life following the end of her relationship.

2. On a night out in early 2019, I met a foreign student who was visiting my hometown. I was out with a group of friends and she went along with us after we met in a pub smoking area. We had a great night and I end up walking her back to the place she was staying and we passionately kissed for a while before exchanging numbers. Coincidentally, a couple of weeks later I set up a meeting for work in her hometown and asked whether she wanted to meet up. When we did, we had an amazing night out before she came back to my hotel and we had sex. It was one of the greatest nights of my life. We got on really well, there was never a dull moment or an awkward gap in the conversation, it was just an unbelievable connection.
   We stayed in contact after that weekend and I ended up visiting her again a few months later, once again enjoying a perfect weekend. Late last year, she returns to my hometown for a month as part of a project with the local university. We end up spending every weekend together and several nights after work just chilling out. Once again, I enjoyed every moment but it started to become clearer to me that she wasn’t looking for a relationship which made the entire situation bittersweet, as I really was starting to fall for her.

We met up for one last weekend in February where once again we had an unbelievable time. However, this will likely prove to be the last time we see each other, as she will be moving to the USA for a new job once she finishes her studies. One of the things she told me is that she “isn’t looking for a relationship with me or anyone else”, which I completely believe and understand. We said our farewells and we have stayed in touch but this one will rankle for a while as I think that I was developing serious feelings for her.

1. I met this girl through a friend at a party and we hit it off. I could tell that she was slightly shy and reserved, not too dissimilar to myself, so I felt slightly more secure in our possible compatibility in comparison to #1 & 2. After the party dwindled, we stayed up and just chatted and I sensed that a we had a connection that was unusual for me after meeting someone for the first time. We made out for a bit and the connection seemed stronger.

We arranged to meet up for dinner and drinks about a week later and we seemed to have a good time. I walked her to her car and she kissed me goodbye, which I interpreted as a good sign. The next morning, I sent her a text asking whether she wanted to meetup again, suggesting something the following weekend. She replied a few days later saying “I’ve thought about it and although I did really enjoy the date and you are such a nice great guy but I’m not sure that there’s enough there”. This one was very puzzling as I never really had an idea what went wrong.

1. The most recent example that has made me think that there most be something wrong with me, was a girl who I met on a dating app. She is a PhD student studying in my hometown, who I got on with very quickly as we both seemed to be quite laid back but we enjoyed doing stuff together. Things were slow moving due to both of us having busy schedules but we managed to meet up for occasional meals and cinema trips.

We met up just before the lockdown started in the UK, so we were reduced to texting each other, which at first seemed to be going well. She eventually stopped replying and I sent her a message saying that I was sorry if I had upset somehow and that I would leave her alone. She responded saying that it wasn’t me but that she was taking advantage of the lockdown and getting more out of being alone and that we should reconnect once normal life resumes.

I texted her a short while after the lockdown was partially lifted to see if she wanted to meet up. I was somewhat surprised to see her respond in a very positive manner, so we arranged to meet up one evening. We meet up in public and chatted for about 90 minutes before both of us needed to be getting back. We left it open saying that we should meet up again soon. I texted her the following day to ask if she wanted to hang out again soon. She responded saying “It was good to see you too. I can’t really see our friendship becoming a romantic one though – It’s not what I want anymore”. I thanked her for her honesty and asked her if there was something that I did that influenced her and she replied saying that she would have a think.

At this point I’m at a loss, I’m so sick of being repeatedly rejected and told that I’m a great guy or that we should stay friends or etc. There must be something that I’m doing which is causing this but no one will tell me what. I really don’t need to hear that I should learn to love myself, keep going as I haven’t found the right one or that I’m doing nothing wrong as all these cases (and thousands before) have ended similarly despite each woman being completely different from the other.