Hey guys, this might be a long one but please bear with me, I’ll try to be as clear as possible 🙂

So my dating history has been shitty to say the least. My first boyfriend when I was 18 ended up being violent and it took me a year of depression to somewhat heal from that. The fun, independent girl I was disappeared to leave me with a crippling anxiety problem. I had waited so long to finally be loved, I could not believe it was taken away from me so brutally (my parents found out about him being violent so I had no choice). More than being violent, what affected me the most (still to this day) were his threats of leaving me everytime I did or said something that he didnt like, no matter how stupid.

The feeling of being loved was the best thing that had ever happened to me so I got on dating apps and was ready to get it again.. no matter what. So I dated and dated and got heartbroken until I found my ex. I stayed with him for two years and while he wasn’t mean, he did profit from the fact that I was ready to do anything to get him to stay with me and not lose ”being loved” and ”having someone” again. The more I grew comfortable in the relationship, the less anxious I was and the more frustrated I became of how little he did for me and all I did for me. He left me but I was trying to build up the courage to it on my side.

I fell in the same depressed and anxious hole has the first time. How and when would I find someone again?? So I dated and dated again. Forced myself on multiple dates with a guy that didnt turn me on at all because he was nice and got my heart broken by another one who was just playing me.

But I had enough at some point and stopped dating altogether. The first month was hard but after? I had never been this happy in more than three years! I have never been this happy, I’m finally living again just like before all this shit happened.

I still do have this lingering fear that catches me sometimes that I’m going to be alone forever and that if I dont want to be I’ll have to go through the anxiety of dating.

So three weeks ago I ended up agreeing to going on a date with a guy that had been texting me for a while. First date went well, but I wonder if it was worth the 3 days of intense anxiety and crying that preceded it.

Same for the second date. But we kissed at the end. Third date is coming and my anxiety is crazier than ever because now I know that know that we’ll kiss again and I dont know if that is what I want. I dont know if I dont want to because I dont like him or because I’m anxious and I go between I’d rather stay alone and being anxious because I dont want him to stop liking me.

When I forget about all of this is when I’m the happiest. I know a girl who had a daughter on her own and it gave me so much peace of mind knowing that this was an option.

This guy is really nice. I just dont know if I’m ready to lose my newly found happiness and deal with that kind of anxiety again. I don’t know if I’m interested in him or in the idea of being with someone. I dont know if I don’t like him or if actually I do but I’m too anxious and shy to admit that if I do I’ll have ton conquer this.

I was okay dealing with this for the first dates but now that we kissed.. I know we’ll kiss again next time and I don’t know how I feel about that. The last kiss was so quick I didnt have time to know if I liked it or not. So I know that there will be kissing involved on the third date. But what if I get there I find out in the first minutes that finally I dont feel this way towards him? I’m afraid of having to go through 3 hours of kissing and hand holding that I dont feel like.. Or maybe I will like it so if I cancel I’ll nevr know

I dont know what to do about this so thanks in advance if someone has a nice piece of advice. I know it’s a lot of information but I tried to give details and backstory. Also english is not my first language so feel free to ask if there is something that doesn’t make sense

P.s. I already do therapy but I never found it particularly helpful.