Trying to date has made me (21m) despise myself.

I have tried everything imaginable to make myself good enough to date. I’ve lost 80 pounds, I’ve bought a car, I consistently hold down a job, I’m in college, I always have tried to better myself but nothing has ever made a dent. That leaves personality right? I don’t consider myself a saint but I think I’m a good person and I typically always keep people laughing. I have friends and I find that I’m good in social environments. The only thing left that I can think of is that I’m just not good enough.

My friends and even my therapist have tried to reassure me that I’m not ugly and that I’ll find someone eventually, but it’s just bullshit. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore because I can’t stand who I am. I have been on tinder since October and I have been on exactly 0 dates. I’ve had people review my profile, help me make my bio, I’ve had my friends take my pictures, and yet nothing happens. I haven’t even had a like in 2 months, I pay for tinder gold so it tells me when that happens. How am I supposed to believe I’m not disgusting? I can’t think of anything I like about myself and I don’t blame any woman who would want better.

Like I said; I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore, It ruins my day. I have nothing positive to say about myself and honestly prefer to never look or talk about me. I feel worthless and everyone around me has always reinforced that, and now trying to date really has just driven the point home. I have completely surrendered to apathy and I don’t fight it anymore. I’ll never have anyone to come home to, nobody who cares if I’m around, nobody who I can be best friends with and share my life with. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to work towards.

I have a session with my therapist tomorrow and I’m thinking about telling her that it should be our last. She’s great and seems to know what she’s talking about, but at this point I’m just a lost cause and I’m tired of wasting peoples time. I’m not going to be able to be convinced that my life is worth living anymore and I don’t want her to institutionalize me. I’m just exhausted with trying to deal with this when I’ve never had anyone else who cared. Not even romantically, I’ve just never had anyone care about how I feel or act like they appreciated me.

I don’t know how to get out of this but I don’t feel like any amount of work or medication will fix it. Girls are never going to be in to me and I’m sick of trying to hold out hope for life to get better. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks