This post is meant for men who aren’t the “shiny” ones in the dating world. We don’t have the fanciest Instagrams. We aren’t 6 foot+. We aren’t shabby – take of ourselves and try to present ourselves in the best light, but we may have a little bit of weight to lose or aren’t going to grace the cover of a magazine. I’d say 90% of men fall in here.

This post is a response to the constant feedback and posts I see from men and women on how “looks are subjective” and how “confidence/sense of humor/ambition is way more important” and the biggest one “throw on a nice outfit, fresh new haircut, virtually any man can get to the point where looks aren’t his problem”.

I can tell you, from my personal experience probably being on 50+ dates in the past decade, mostly from online and a few setups, that there is a direct correlation between how attractive the women is and the chance that she wants a second date. I know that a few of my friends have this same experience. Obviously, physical attraction is only one component for me and its more about overall chemistry, so I’m not saying that I solely go on dates just based on how attractive the girl is, I’m just pointing out this clear trend.

I say this because I always blamed it on myself and the blame was always put on me for when the girl was not interested. I’d come to these forums or friends for advice, often frustrated. I would usually get advice around the following “well, maybe you two did not have chemistry”, or the most common one “you probably messed it up and acted too nervous around attractive women, which messed it up for you, women can sense that”. I’m naturally an introvert, but I’m also pretty confident and can talk to people just fine – I was always blaming and micro-analyzing my behavior – etc. now, these women weren’t doing me any favors by accepting the dates, perhaps they were hoping I’d look better in person (when it was online) or that they would see something else in me. I’m also not buying the anecdotal evidence I keep hearing from people like “I see pretty girls with homely men all the time, its all about confidence”. Often times when I see the real life examples of the situation the truth comes out – the guy is often way better looking than I thought, or they had met awhile ago (e.g. in high school) and he let himself go.

I guess what I am trying to tell people is to not continually blame it on personality flaws/etc all the time. In this dating age, physical appearance is critical and I would argue is the most important factor, by far, when it comes to the will for the other person to get to know the true you. And the bar is very high today – most men don’t make the cut, even ones that do put themselves together well. Often times you can do everything “right”, but she just ain’t attracted to the way you look. The first step is acknowledging the issue and your shortcomings so you can take action and adjust. There are probably plenty of fun, confident men with a ton to offer to women that are just turning a blind eye to the obvious truth – lose the weight, fix yourself up a bit.