Dating shouldn’t be competitive at all. I wish it is not. Love isn’t competitive! I strongly believe that we should be friends first and then it leads to love. It’d be natural.
I am 28, and I never had a boyfriend. I have a big fear of initiating texts when I have a romantic or sexual intention in my mind. I have a big fear of competition because I back away every time I notice that someone’s interested in someone I like. I guess that means I have a low self-esteem.
Do you know what’s funny? People always believe that I’m very confident and I have a high self-esteem because I always believe that I can do anything and I have lots ot talents. I made many accomplishments. When it came to guys, my critical inner voices suddenly showed up in my mind as my self-confidence and self-esteem suddenly dropped.
Even if I looked at myself in mirror, I know that I have an average to slightly above average face and I have a very attractive body. I think that I’m beautiful. I want to believe anyone who said I look gorgeous. I told myself to put myself out there for a guy I like. Try to be yourself exactly the same way you’ve been with families and friends. You’re fun to be around with. That was what I’ve been telling myself.
When I had a romantic or sexual interest in my mind before I approached a guy I like, my critical inner voices crawled up to me. “You have a ugly face!” “He doesn’t find you attractive.” “Other girls will win because they look better than you.” “He will be embarrassed to be seen with you in public.” “You’ve been single your whole life so what did you expect?” I got overwhelmed by my inner voices and anxiety.
I try to figure out why I have this problem whether I had a romantic or sexual interest in my mind before interacting with a guy. I had no problem with chatting with a guy without any intention in my mind. When romance or sex was being hinted at, I’d assume that he was joking so I didn’t want to fall for that and make myself look like a fool.
In college, I saw a therapist, but it was last day of semester. She aaked me questions about my past. At first, I forgot about the bullying and other stuff from the past because I ignored my bullies. I didn’t notice that affected my mentality and subconscious. We were supposed to work on it when I return to college for the fall, but I decided to drop it. I wish I did not.
When I was bullied, many kids said I’m ugly and I’d never find a boyfriend or husband because I’m too ugly. In 8th grade, a girl insisted that many guys told her that I can’t get a man because I’m ugly so I’ll be alone forever.
Even if I didn’t take them seriously and I thought they were being immature, I didn’t realize that developed an unhealthy mentality in my mind. I was (still am) always against the bullying. I can also see why more schools take the bullying seriously nowadays. That could damage someone’s mentality. I wish I can see a therapist now and they could help me change my mentality and fix my subconscious. :/ If you have any tips, that’d be appreciated.
